| FRIENDS ONLY |
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| 06:09pm 08/07/2003 |
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I'm turning this FRIENDS-ONLY. There are certain people I don't want reading about my life. That's not meaning to be offensive to the rest of you, I just don't want things I say or do to be taken the wrong way by these certain people. It's complicated...
++-..comment to be added i guess. [x] |
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| Eat your heart out... |
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| 07:43pm 03/07/2003 |
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mood:  drained
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There was sort of a huge arguement last night when Dad came home and I asked him straight out about staying at Kym's, then I got all pissed off when he said no and threw the hypocrite card on the table which got him more angry, then he just slammed my door shut and made my picture frame fall off the wall. I stormed out the house and sat in the garden in my pyjamas talking to Kym on the phone which probably wasn't such a good idea because Kym got more angry with him than me and I still don't understand this because it's DAD that usually lets me DO STUFF, like weed and drugs and alcohol, where as MOM would totally freak out but in this situation MOM was the one who was prepared to let me stay at Kym's and I'm here thinking, "HUH?" Sophie and Emma and I were talking about this today and Sophie was like, "Parents are weird." and Emma said that her parents were so keen for her to leave home and move in with her boyfriend. I said, "Cool." and Sophie just shrugged and then when Emma went to Tourism, Sophie said that was just weird and that her Mom totally freaked when she found out about her boyfriend.
Then this evening, when I got home from college in a total daze and in huge need for caffeine, I asked Mom and Dad about going to Glastonbury next June with Rachel and everyone and they were like, "Yeah, sure it'd be great for you." I swear, my eyes were on stalks.
College today, I was not alone on the train. I don't know, Mom dropped me at the station at 7.55am and I was feeling pretty nervous about riding the train with all these business people commuting to Birmingham and there's Samantha standing there, and I was pretty glad even though we don't really get on because in Year 7 I got so mad with her for being a bitch to one of my friends and we had a bit of a fallout because she told the staff that I'd hit her which was complete bollocks but everyone believed her because I was friends with Lynda and Lynda had a reputation. But it got kind of annoying because Samantha just clinged to me and I guess Sophie and Emma and Charlotte and Elaine and Amie were a little offy with her with the way she dressed and that she said nothing.
My tutor group is pretty large, with this guy Ed who Zara is practically OBSESSED WITH and he sat by me and he was so stoned that I started to blag his head by rolling a pen and grinning at him. I guess he is kinda cute, but Zara is obsessed, in French she kept talking about him to me and Emilee. And I think Jessie and I are both going to join the canoeing club, and Robyn too maybe and it was so nice that I knew these guys from before so I didn't feel so ALONE, even though I got pretty mad when Kimmie saw me and she was like, "You're the one who kissed Lee, how the hell are you??!" and then Bea brought up the situation yet AGAIN and I blushed scarlet then had to explain getting back with Kym, and they were making all these "Awww..." noises and Sophie's fallen in love with his name but I just thought that Kym is a guy who loves me as much as he loves drugs which in a way I should be pleased because he really does LOVE them, but it's kinda weird me being on the same line as a tab.
I had English first and sat by Ross who was put on the registar as Rose and he was all gorgeous and I was talking away and then this girl Alex came in and gave me the evilist look ever, and I guess Ross must have been hot property at his high school because in Law this chick Alison shot me the same look, but then Emilee came into English and we knew the same people so we've become friends and we also chatted to a girl called Maxine who seemed real nice and that was English (oh and this funny guy in a FCUK Brazil top who was awesomely cute in a kinda Jack way but darker) And Emilee and Zara were with me for French and then in Drama there was this really annoying girl called Emily who was just so high pitched and IRRITATING that Sophie and I just wanted to smack her so hard. Of course we didn't, but it was very tempting.
I had to run for the train though, college finished at 4.10 and I was so panicked about missing the train and then I got there on time and Samantha was there and I was all tired and so I rang Kym and cancelled our love-in and postponed it until tomorrow night which I guess means we won't be going to Michele's because I think Kym's a little wary after Nadja's raid but not my problem.
Zara must have fallen in love three times today. That girl never ceases to amuse me. And bemuse, all at the same time. |
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| It all gets a little retro stylee |
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| 07:06pm 02/07/2003 |
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mood:  accomplished
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Our plane departed Palma 45 minutes late so I didn't get home until 6am and then instead of going to bed, I just ate breakfast and unpacked and threw on the only remaining clean clothes I seemed to find, before leaving the house with Mom.
The idea was to meet Kym and part of me wanted to and part of me didn't and then I was thinking uh-oh same old story. And Ashley was working, and Donna was hung over because her and Louise and Chelle had been on a heavy night the night before and Louise was being an uber-bitch and she is completely obsessed with this Ian guy.
And then I rang Rachel and her and Natalie and Natalie's boyfriend with the tattoos were in the pub, so I went and had a quick drink and talked to Rachel about my holiday and Glastonbury and I swear she had the most awesome time and I felt so jealous because I would love to go and next year she wants to take me and she even said I wouldn't have to worry about taking drugs and shit because no one was going to force anything on me and I turned and said I know that one day it's likely I will try more harder drugs than weed, so why not be next year. So planning process again and I already am getting excited.
Natalie cannot play pool to save her life. And it was odd because today Natalie just looked so OLD and washed out, and she seemed happy with Tony but it just verified what me and Megan had talked about Natalie and how she had been so brainy and she'd spent the entire six week exam period kicked back and failing all for love which really doesn't seem so good. Even though as soon as they'd left, Rachel and I both turned to each other and said, "He's hot!" Then giggled like girls and took her photos to the photo place.
Then we saw Louise. We ended up walking through the park because we heard music and were getting all excited because we thought something actually cool was going down, but it's some school thing and Louise is there waving at us crazily and Rachel just rolls her eyes because she cannot stand Louise and the way she's been behaving around her for like the past three years. Then I could have choked on my gum because Louise is there, with Ian, and she turns to Rachel and says, "Come with me to Cornwall for a hippy ten days." Rachel's all pleasant but then we go and get round the corner and we're just completely STUNNED and inside I know that Louise is still pissed at me because she doesn't agree with me dating Kym.
Rachel took me to meet Nadja and it was real nice because I actually felt I could BELONG to a group exploring rebellion and I don't know whether it's because I found some strange new retro self hiding inside me when I slid myself into my new retro dress which is burgundy with flowers and compliments my tan so well, but I just wanted to BE there getting all hazy and wuzzy with the weed and the alcohol and the lack of sleep. And Nadja invited me and Kym to Michele's house warming party because Michele is moving out after the police raid trouble which went down at the weekend. Then Kym called and we talked for ages as I walked from Nadja's and he seemed a little pissed off about me going there because of the shit and he's like, "I just want to protect you. I don't want to lose you." I walk, talking with this stupid smile on my face because I'm describing my tan and blonder hair and Kym's going, "I bet you look even more gorgeous than before." I walk straight into Asa, and Broc who asked me out a few months back.
I'm staying at Kym's tomorrow night. I have college tomorrow and then I will ride the bus to his and his parents are away and we'll have a meal and some wine and I know my parents are never going to agree but I just got into the car and came straight out with it to Mom and made her see that it was good I hadn't lied even though it would have been so easy to.
Dad is the next problem. But there's a different, more determined, sparklier me inside here and I like what's coming out. |
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| C'est tres amusant. Oui, oui! |
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| 08:04pm 18/06/2003 |
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mood: ecstatic
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This could have been a really good new start for him and everything, but I'm so selfish and wanted him to stay. I guess that is why I was so happy when he told me THAT THE SALE HAD FALLEN THROUGH AND HE WAS STAYING.
I met Megan at school early this morning and then we walked to Lorna's and then on to Jack's lovely old farmhouse then back to school to meet Liz.
I was stood outside the exam hall and Kym comes up to me and kisses me and he seemed heaps disapointed when I said that I wasn't coming to meet him, but I was going shopping when he asked. Then he told me his good news and honestly I could not stop hugging him and I was just so RELIEVED!
Jack was a complete angel today. I went on such a shopping spree and he offered to carry all my bags and then bought me Ice Cream and I was thinking, you guy are so sweet!
But this really annoyed me. We were waiting in the waiting room at the station and Carrie comes in. And then Jon, and Jon's new girlfriend Beth. She's little like me, with this long strawberry blonde hair and bad skin and so quiet and her and Jon didn't like touch or anything and I can tell Carrie can't stand her. Obviously she knows about me because when Jon introduced me and Meg, he goes "This is Meg, and this is Vikki, but I've told you loads about her."
[I'm thinking WHAT? WHY?]
But the real top of it all... when we got off the train and then Carrie went and Meg and Jack and Lorna did and Liz and I were sat on the wall waiting for our Moms and Jon comes over and sits right next to me and he puts his hand on my back and goes, "So you're back with Kym." I answer yes and then without even flicking his eyelids he goes, "Have you fucked him yet?"
I. W a s. S h o c k e d.
First of all, it is common curtesy not to ask someone that, straight out and second of all, it's none of his DAMN BUSINESS.
So I turn round and say, "You sleeping with Beth are you?"
And then he says, "Vik, you know me, I'm respectable I can wait."
And I'm thinking Jon you have NO CLUE AT ALL. And you can certainly stop dictating to me because I'm not the same little Vikki you knew three years back.
Harriet and Mark came over before, to see their kitten. It was actually quite nice to see them and they're still all annoyed about the not-organised arrangements for Friday Night. And I'm just like... g o w i t h t h e f l o w. I can't wait.
It's my final exam Friday. And my last day ever. That is awesome. And Laura's coming over tomorrow and we're probably just going to talk and talk about our other halves and I shall try ignore my pessimistic side...
I know what I mean.
Still, Jon can just fuck off and take his morals with him.
I rock. I have an awesome boyfriend AND cute new pink shoes.
What can be better than that? |
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| Stop me crying my heart out... |
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| 09:12pm 17/06/2003 |
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mood: sad music: Oasis- Stop Crying Your Heart Out
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I was kicked in the teeth today. Metaphorically of course.
I walked up to his house and he took me the long way. Partly to avoid Colin and Claire and Paul and Duane but he had something to tell me.
He found out yesterday that he's going to London for two months.
Then he's moving to South Wales.
I was all a little stunned. Then about an hour later when he started kissing me on his bed it just hit me and I just started crying and he was trying hard not to. It was like when you were a little kid and someone gives you a toy, then takes it away from you again.
FRIDAY. He leaves on FRIDAY. Effectively today was our last day together because I've promised Megan and Lorna and Liz that I'll shop tomorrow, when really all I want to do is lie there in his arms and not let him go.
But it was a good day. Exams aside. I got this wonderful masage, I could have just lay there for hours. And I'm home now and I can smell him on my t-shirt and I just want... well I don't even want to cry, I don't know what I want to do.
I'm still a little shocked. Because I knew it wouldn't last for ages, but what's this? It's lasting, yet it's going to be lasting over a distance and being the person I am, I'm not overly sure I can do that.
I keep singing that song he played me over and over in my head.
I really need to take a break from this now. |
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| Last fall... |
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| 07:44pm 16/06/2003 |
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mood: cheerful
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I swam 60 laps today. I feel all proud of myself.
I'm also a little sunburnt, as soon as Donna and I got home, we had to walk double-quick to little Natalie's Sports Day. Just sitting there really reminded me of primary school.
And we saw Harriet, or she saw me when I was talking to Carrie in the shop, so me and Donna waited with her by the bus stop and she asked me how things were with Kym. I told her things were great, but there was something in the tone of her voice that just wasn't right. Yet to be honest, I was too busy concentrating on Natalie tugging on my arm wanting to show me her penny sweets. And also on the fact that Harriet was set to turn up for a job interview in a top which showed off her boobs. And thinking, great impression you're making.
I'm having doubts about Kym. I spoke to Donna today, after all, they used to be close friends and it WAS Donna who got us together back in September.
SEPTEMBER. That feels so long ago, yet I remember it like yesterday. It was inbetween our double science period, which would make it a Wednesday morning and we were all stood in a group and Donna exited, and I saw her talking to Kym. I was teasing her so bad when we got back into Biology, and asking her what he'd said. I honestly thought they were getting together.
And she goes, "You're the one person I CAN'T tell."
But she did. Look at us now.
Way too much history... |
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| And a lucky four-leafed clover |
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| 08:21am 15/06/2003 |
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I just rang Melissa but she wasn't home which was a real shame, I guess I'll call later. And I spent all that time working the time difference.
It's Father's Day today, but Dad's still asleep. They had a gig last night so I won't have to do anything until noon.
Megan was so happy on the phone last night (and drunk) Her Mom got her a bottle of bubbly which she consequently drunk and then rang me instead of going to bed. I'm still so proud of her, and today she's gone to Cosford to do aerobatics. It's alright for some. I shall possibly just argue with my father, revise my ass off for Physics and find my swimming costume for tomorrow. What an interesting life.
But yesterday must have been a lucky day. Jennie, Meg's Mom found a four leaafed clover just as Meg was going to do her solo and I won some more money on the Lottery.
I'm going to be a millionaire oh so soon. Just you wait.
( & if i were ) |
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| Fly, fly away |
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| 07:16pm 14/06/2003 |
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Megan did her solo flight today. I'm so proud of her, I really am. It was around 3.30pm and the weather was just right, so they took out her co-pilot, put in some weights and away she went! She came down and was all excited. I wish I had gotten some champagne or something. But I'm so happy for her and it was nice that I went down, made the effort. Most people wouldn't.
I spoke to Mom for ages last night. She was saying how everyone's been telling her at school how polite Kym's being and I'm there thinking, it's only because he wants to make a good impression to YOU. All for me. That makes me feel so special.
Tomorrow, I'm going to call Melissa. I've not spoken to her for ages. It's Father's Day too, I'm going to make the effort there too. Considering my Dad is now so sunburnt he resembles Sebastian the lobster from The Little Mermaid. Oh how Eloise would laugh...
Monday I'm spending with Donna. Don't ever say I cut my friends off.
I'm now a minor hero. That's awesome. |
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| The little brave pilgrim that I am. |
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| 08:29am 14/06/2003 |
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mood:  pissed off
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I spoke to Dan last night:
( &conversation )
And frankly now, I'm minorly pissed at Rosie because she had zero right to say that and I can't grasp why people suddenly get together with a boy and then push everyone else away. To me that's really rude. Yes OK, I've upset Dan, but least it's now done and the only reason I did it last night was because Jack was pressuring me to. Thankgod.
Right now I can't wait to leave this stupid, wet country and get on that plane and fly far, far away.
I've had it up to here. And that's a lot.
And I won't see Kym until Tuesday and that's driving me a little wild. |
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| And the smile goes away... |
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| 07:38pm 13/06/2003 |
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mood: discontent
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I feel all depressed again and I have no idea why. I know I'm tired. And I know I'm not eating right. But I have this sicky feeling inside me and I know that it's my sub-concious trying to tell me that not everything's right. Not that I have any clue what that everything is.
Today I got majorly pissed off. Donna and I were talking in the library, about Louise and Harriet and I'm just getting more and more wound up about their stupid preaching and ability to be so far up each other's arses. Like the Barmouth Holiday, Harriet's gone and invited Mark and Louise won't go unless they go. And I'm thinking, is there three people in that relationship.
Megan saw them when she went shopping afterschool and they were all dressed up and vague. Just hearing Meg describe it makes me want to go, "Fuck you." at them.
But of course I wouldn't.
And Kym's ill. His throat's all swollen up and stuff and it's probably my fault because this medication I'm on means I'll carry the symptons but not get them. And he's going to a rave this weekend and part of me wanted to go to and get completely off my face and intoxicated. Then Miss Sensible inside me speaks up and I decide not to.
I h a t e Miss Sensible sometimes.
I just want to smile again and I'm so tired I can't right now.
Don't do this to me. I'm not in the right mood to be pissed off not when yesterday I was so happy and... |
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| Say that you'll stay... |
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| 07:18pm 12/06/2003 |
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mood: happy
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Tomorrow is Friday 13. Funny really, because since forever Thursday 12 has been my unlucky day... but this Thursday 12 has been so nice.
I think you can guess why.
It was my Resistant Materials exam first period. I'd woken Kym up again [Oh how I love doing that!] and he was still late. He got in the exam, smiled at me and then we got stuck into our papers and disapered up to his.
He cooked for me. First of all he got out steak, then he was like, shit, you're vegetarian.
He's gone to Kim and Josie's tonight. I know why, I'm not stupid. But even though he still needs drugs, it's not going to put me off being with him, because I am just SO happy. And who's to spoil that?
Rachel was today, all you guys have matching hair colors. We got so embarrassed. |
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| How dare you... |
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| 07:54am 10/06/2003 |
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mood:  annoyed
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"You are definately going to Megan's tomorrow night aren't you?"
That's what my Dad said to me.
"Yes." I replied, a little pissed off at the presumption.
"I'd rather you told me where you were going."
"I'm going to Megan's Dad!"
He sure as hell didn't believe me.
And that really pissed me off.
As if I'd risk going to Kym's and staying the night when I know my Dad's temper. I value my head. |
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| And dreams really do come true... |
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| 07:03pm 09/06/2003 |
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mood:  flirty
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Jade-Louise came up to me today and says, I don't want to jinx you Vikki, but I had a dream the other night that you got back with Kym. Jenna was standing there laughing, saying, she is, she is! I'm really going to miss Jade next year.
Chemistry, well it went OK. Kym was 45 minutes late. I'm on early wake-up call the boyfriend patrol tomorrow. Which is nice.
I went up there after school today, with him and Philie and we were just like, please go Phil, please go! And he did and then we just kissed and kissed and kissed. Then Mom called and kind of ruined it.
I was so pleased with my English though. I wrote this descriptive piece, about a place I hate. So I wrote about the hospital and the baby across the ward from Alex who died. I'm so pleased with that piece.
There was a motor accident before. Arran on his scooter, with a Jeep and a Ford. Mom and I drove past this morning, on the roundabout and I just happened to look back to see the car damage and I saw this boy lying there with paramedics around him, and he was wearing Arran's jacket. I said to Mom, that's Arran. She said don't be stupid.
And it was. He's broken his leg and a rib.
He's dreamed of going to Glastonbury for so long and now he probably won't be able to.
I could have kicked the little jerk who was laughing about it before.
[I've had a really nice day... as a blondie] |
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| Losing you... |
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| 05:33pm 08/06/2003 |
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mood: frustrated
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Jenny called before. It was real nice to talk to her again and she seems so happy with Rob. It's really weird, because so many of my friends are happier when they have boyfriends. Or they change completely. Of course this is going back to Rosie. She just doesn't seem like my best friend anymore. And Jack even calls her Po, that was my name for her. I miss her.
I was telling Kym about this the other day, he just said that times change and people grow apart. Yeah, I can see where he thinks that from, but I don't usually deal with that. I don't like cutting people off.
Chemistry is the devil.
It joins the spawn of satan along with my physics teacher.
Wish me luck for tomorrow because I sure am going to need it. |
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| Oh the stress-i-ness of it all... |
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| 12:30pm 08/06/2003 |
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mood:  stressed
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I'm struggling with Chemistry. I really can't get my head around it ::bangs head on table:: But let's focus on the positives, in two weeks time I will be getting ready to fly out to Majorca having done ALL my exams and never ever ever having to think scientifically again.
Which, apart from a few things I can think of, is one of the best feelings in the world.
It's weird leaving school. But I can't wait. Ashley was saying how he just wanted to stay. Even Kym was saying that [of course I couldn't resist turning around and saying, "Kym, you're hardly ever there."] but I really want to leave. I want the freedom of college. Sat in registration on Wednesday, there was me and a bunch of under-14s, who were running around going, "You're gay, you're gay." at each other, and hurling abuse about each other's Mom's, and talking about sex as if it's the most disgusting thing in the world.
They really don't get it do they?
Immature little sods. |
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| ...because I'm too B L O N D E ? ? |
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| 10:59pm 07/06/2003 |
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mood: ditzy
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Megan got her flight solo in. I'm so proud. She rang me as soon as she came down and was on the runway all shaking with excitement. It must be such an adrenalin rush doing that and if I had more guts that what I do have then I would give it a go, but I don't so I shall let my best friend be Lara Croft and I will continue being little Miss Britney.
[who's back blonde]
I've dyed my hair back. I missed being blonde.
Today we drove up to Liverpool, primarily to sort my passport out so I can leave the country on June 23. Then of course I shopped, and bought some cute clothes for my holiday and also this great outfit for the end of exams clubbing trip!
Dad knows about Kym. Mom saved me a job and told him last night and I'm pretty glad. Even though Dad still thinks I'm bound to get hurt. I wish people would just BELIEVE me for a change when I say I can handle it.
Because I can.
I'm stronger now than I've ever felt before.
And that's a great feeling. |
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| Maybe not breaking hearts... but sure chipping them a little. |
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| 06:13pm 06/06/2003 |
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mood: optimistic
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At ten fifteen last night I was lying in bed all dozey and everything and then Mom comes up with the phone and it's Dan.
"AreYouComingOverTomorrowVikki?IReallyWantYouTo."
And I just couldn't tell him. The words- "DanI'veGotABoyfriend." just wouldn't come out of my mouth. I was really sleepy and Mom was just looking at me, as I blatantly lied to him.
Then there's Jack, who took a photo of everyone on his phone and then only saved mine? And a while back asked Megan if I liked him. And who yesterday when he saw Kym and me walking home sent Megan a message asking if there was anything going on. Jack who I really like... and who bought me lunch and played happy birthday to me on the guitar. And who I would date for sure if I wasn't so worried about hurting Kym. Because that's what I am... worried about hurting Kym. He is just so fragile at the moment.
I sure failed RE today. I hard revised two areas last night which my teacher was adament would be on the paper and then they weren't. Honestly, I could have cried sat in that exam in my boyfriend's huge jacket.
I didn't go to his this afternoon. Ever since I've seen certain friends get boyfriends and then disregard everyone I'm so careful not to do anything. And so me and Kym went off for a while and just jerked around. Sure, we missed the bus. I felt all bad, but to be honest I don't think Megan and Donna really minded.
And it's so nice because Kym and I are not all hand-holdy and stuff, because we're not hand-holdy people, yet we're together and people are talking and speculating [as ever I adore being centre of attention]
I've just spoken to Rosie and she wants me to go to the medical centre with her and we both go on the pill. She says we'll sure be having sex by the end of next week. And I'm not so sure at all because we're taking it S L O W L Y. And I really don't mind because on top of my exams and Kym and family stuff I do not want to be worrying about being or not being pregnant. Take it one day at a time, Vikki, one day. |
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| I've never been happier than I have been yesterday... lying in his strong arms. AGAIN. |
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| 06:59pm 05/06/2003 |
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mood:  loved music: DJ Sammy- Heaven
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Wednesday was the best day of my life. I had my French exam, then we all went for my birthday picnic. And such a variety of people came and Harriet got me a cake and decorated it and Jack played me Happy Birthday on the guitar and then taught me some stuff and it was all real nice and I got some great cards and presents. It's the best day of my life. Wednesday, June 4th 2003... remember that. And last night, I got three numbers on the lotto dip which Megan got me, along with a cigarette and a condom. Which remains in it's packet because I'm a good girl.
And wishes. I recommend everyone to wish on cake candles... because they so come true.
Because I went back to school with Ash and sat while the others had their French exam and when Ashley and Lorna came out, we wandered around looking at my pressies and then Kym came over to me and said "Happy Birthday." and I totally swallowed my pride and said "Can I come up and see you tomorrow." And he knew exactly what I meant- he had that look in his eyes.
And then I was going to catch the bus home with Ashley and we were so quietly walking through the canteen next to the exam hall and my phone starts ringing. Boy, did I run! And it was Kym saying, "I've just sent Kym home, please come up."
So I did and we had weird conversations and he was going on about drugs and he seemed pretty depressed, so I hugged him and he was all:
"VikkiI'veReallyMissedYouICan'tBelieveHowMuchI'veMissedYou."
and then after a while he kissed me and for ages he was going on about how now he was ready and wanted to make a go of and didn't want to leave school knowing he'd fucked me around all those times. And he said I understand if you don't want to do it again, because I've been such an arsehole.
And so I asked him why I called, and he was all I missed you. And I knew it had taken him so much guts to call me.
I was sat on his bed in two minds.
YES.
NO.
YES.
The moment you fuck me around Kym, I am walking away and don't ever expect me to talk to you again.
Ever.
Rachel says, take it slowly. Meg says, be careful. Louise says, he'll fuck you around. Jenna says, go screw! Mom said, I don't think it's wise.
And I think... well I don't know what I think.
Of course I'm happy, I went there today after English then he walked me back down and we just had this huge pillow fight and stuff and it was heaps nice, but he needs to sort his head out because he's so totally gone on drugs it's unbelievable. But it's strange because part of me is sitting here thinking, please, please end this Kym. And the other part, well, isn't.
It's kind of confuffled up here.
But I was so very, very right. |
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| ... |
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| 06:25am 04/06/2003 |
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*psst*
it's my birthday. |
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
bonnebelle's journal